Life in the Bipolar Lanes: The Seeds of Guilt

Guilt. It is a powerful emotion isn't it? At least in most people. I am often amazed by the lack of guilt some people seem to feel. You know the ones...people sitting stoically in a courtroom as a verdict is read that proclaims them guilty of murder, child abuse, or some other heinous act. And yet, there they sit, seemingly without any remorse. It boggles the mind. 

I myself have the opposite problem. I can bring up memories over 45 years old and feel the guilt as if it was only yesterday. That is a lifetime of guilt, and it is a heavy burden to bear. A lot of time and therapy went into vanquishing some of this guilt. Some I have simply learned to keep at bay...most of the time. 

My first experience with guilt occurred at the tender age of 3 years old. Yes, I have memories of my life at this early age. Remember, memories are kept because they hold significance for us. The significance of these early memories are for the most part because they focus on my grandfather, Frank. Frank was actually my step-grandfather, but I do not believe I even knew that at the time. To me he was simply Grandpa Frank, a wonderfully kind man who loved and doted on me and gave me Dentyne gum when I came to visit. And the visits were often. See, Grandma & Grandpa Frank lived in a trailer next door to us, so I saw them at least once a day, and usually much more often.

My memories of Grandpa Frank are memories I have clung tightly to over the years. His smiling face, things he gave me, the time he took his teeth out for me! He was the perfect Grandpa. Unfortunately I only had 3 years with Grandpa Frank. During that time my Grandma was a shadowy background figure in my memories. Grandpa Frank took center stage. Grandpa Frank's death would change all of that.

It was fall, and my mother told me that Grandma wanted to talk to me. Grandma took me outside to the front yard. She asked if I had noticed that Grandpa Frank had been gone for a few days. She then proceeded to tell me that Grandpa Frank was never coming back. He had died. The remainder of the conversation was to be seared into my 3 year old brain for the rest of my life. Me, "Why did Grandpa have to die?" Grandma, "I don't know, probably because you were so mean to him."

~Marla

Tasty Tuesday: The Smells of Home

What makes a house feel like a home? For me it is the aroma. I have heard of people comment on how they love the smell of Pine Sol or bleach, denoting a freshly cleaned home. Other people enjoy the fragrance of fresh cut flowers or floral candles or room fresheners. My favorite aroma for a home are the fall smells. Apples baking in pies, nutmeg and cinnamon simmering in a pot of cider on the stove, a pumpkin pie and banana bread cooling on the counter, wood burning in the fireplace. When I experience these aromas I am transported...suddenly the house feels cozy, inviting, homey. 

During the fall the baker in me comes out to play. It cools off enough to use the oven again, and the spices of fall beckon. One thing I do enjoy about showing my home in the fall is the ability to add to that homey feeling for the potential buyer by putting out breads and having a big pot of spiced cider on the stove top. It is so welcoming. 

Here is a recipe to get you started on that fall baking, a yummy apple crisp from Betty Crocker! Bon appetit! ~Marla

French Apple Dessert

Streusel Topping

1

cup Original Bisquick® mix

1/2

cup chopped nuts

1/3

cup packed brown sugar

3

tablespoons firm butter or margarine

Filling

6

cups thinly sliced peeled tart apples (4 to 6 medium)

1

cup granulated sugar

3/4

cup Original Bisquick® mix

3/4

cup milk

2

tablespoons butter or margarine, softened

1 1/4

teaspoons ground cinnamon

1/4

teaspoon ground nutmeg

2

eggs

Topping

Ice cream or whipped cream, if desired

• 1Heat oven to 350°F. Grease 13x9-inch (3-quart) glass baking dish with shortening or cooking spray. In small bowl, mix 1 cup Bisquick mix, the nuts and brown sugar. Cut in 3 tablespoons firm butter with fork or pastry blender until mixture is crumbly; set aside.
• 2Spread apples in baking dish. In medium bowl, stir remaining filling ingredients until blended. Pour over apples. Sprinkle with topping.
• 3Bake about 55 minutes or until knife inserted in center comes out clean; cool slightly, about 30 minutes. Serve warm if desired with ice cream.
• 
  

Perspective

I know this is shocking...but occasionally I throw little pity parties for myself. Woe is me, life is not following my perfectly choreographed plans. Really! I have this all figured out God! Can't you see how perfect my plans are? Why must I suffer so? And then God lets me in on a little secret...my life is amazing! My problems are nothing compared to so many around me! My plans do not enrich my life one little bit!

So, what to do when you are focusing way too much on your on life? When you  forget how very blessed you are. My anxiety level was slowly climbing up and up. What could I do to take my mind off myself and start focusing more on others, and Him? Pray. Simple enough. Devote that time and energy towards something positive.

Prayer is a wonderful communion with God for someone of faith. A chance to turn your eyes upward instead of inward. A chance to reach out to someone hurting or afraid. A chance to make a difference in the lives of others. You can touch the life of someone you may never meet, and they may never know of you...but you can reach out in prayer.

Prayer doesn't have to be eloquent, or even grammatically correct. God hears your prayers with His heart, not His ears. He feels your prayers...and they bless Him. Wow! He covets our prayers...what an amazing concept!

Let my prayer be counted as incense before You, and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice! ~Psalm 141:2 ESV

In Him ~Marla

Praising Him in the Hallway

When do you struggle most? What circumstances cause you the most stress? When is your faith, be it in God or fellow man, tested the most? Ask five people this question and you are likely to get five very different answers. For some it is during times of illness or loss. For some it is during financial difficulty. For some, oddly enough, it is when life is on a high, when suddenly they feel no need to rely on God or others. For me, it is in the hallway. 

The hallway. One door has closed, another yet to be opened, and so I wait. The hallway has no windows. It is easy to lose ones sense of direction in the hallway. With no sunlight, day and night can seem to blur and become one on the hallway. When the doors remain closed it is easy to imagine the hallway has no end. 

Yet at some point a door will open. I will walk through and be able to look back and see the hallway for what it really was. A passage of the perfect length to lead me to my next destination. Until then...I will praise Him in the Hallway.

In Him ~Marla

Life in the Bipolar Lanes: Early Childhood Memories

My Family

Early childhood memories. The wispy bits and pieces of our 2, 3, or 4 year old selves that continue to live on inside us. We all have them to one extent or another. For some they are easily recalled, others find them elusive or nonexistent. Often they are attached to events of significance. Events that were significant to the child we once were, not necessarily significant to those around us. These memories mold us in incredible ways, at times shaping us into the person we will become…or at least the person we perceive ourselves to be.

I learned something important in therapy as an adult. The past can indeed hold the key to the present. My childhood memories were skeletons that needed to come out of the closet and be addressed before healing and change could ever occur. As I write about my journey I will need to talk about my family. I want to do this honestly. If you are a family member you may recognize yourself in my memories. Please understand these are memories through a child’s eyes, not an adult’s. Additionally, some of my extended family may learn some unpleasant facts about someone they looked up to and loved. Just because this woman was unlovely to me does not mean she was a bad person, but understanding her role in how I perceived myself was a key part of learning to cope with those feelings and overcome them. Writing this will take time. It is difficult for me to write about without bringing up old feelings. Something I do not want to do on a daily basis. Please be patient with me.

There are many, many, children who have had childhoods more difficult and unhappy than my own. Not all these people end up with a mental illness. I do not believe my childhood led me to become bipolar. What I do believe, is that it exacerbated certain symptoms and made coping more difficult.  Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and that very definitely had its roots in my early childhood. Guilt and feelings of worthlessness were early companions as well. These were set in place as early as four years old, and not addressed until many years thereafter. By that time the negative reel in my head had been looping over and over for a very long time.

You are too shy, you are mean, you are a liar, you are lazy, you are stupid, everything is your fault, you only think of yourself, you are afraid of everything, you are unlovable, you are selfish, you just want attention, you are ugly, you have no self control, why can’t you be like “them.”  You are a bad person.

~Marla

Tasty Tuesday: Pinterest Cooking

Do you Pin? If not you are missing out on one of the most addictive internet activities available. I love Pinterest, it totally satisfies my urge to rip out magazine pages and save them. What? You've never done that? I confess, if I am scanning a magazine and come across an idea or recipe that I want to try...rip, out it comes. Pinterest is much the same, but with no mess. Instead everything is neatly organized into categories of your own choosing. Heaven!

But I digress. This post is specifically about some of the great recipes I have tried from my Pinterest collection. Enjoy! And to get you in the mood, here is a great remix in honor of the great Julia Childs 100th birthday.http://youtu.be/80ZrUI7RNfI

OK, while not technically a recipe, this is by far the most amazing thing I have discovered through Pinterest. I will never boil an egg again! I now bake my hard cooked eggs! So much easier! 325 degrees for 25-30 minutes...and they peel easier as well.http://pinterest.com/pin/283797213988836056/

Need a great recipe for Chicken Enchiladas? This one is definitely a winner! 
http://joyful-mommas-kitchen.blogspot.com/2011/09/white-chicken-enchiladas.html

I found a great Beef Stroganoff recipe...the beef is super tender.
http://secretingredientislove.blogspot.com/2012/02/beef-stroganoff.html

One of the cooler recipes I have discovered is for Artisan style bread, baked in a dutch oven. I am not normally a bread maker...but this is super easy, and came out perfect on my very first try!
http://simplysogood.blogspot.com/2010/03/crusty-bread.html


Hopefully this gives you a few ideas for dinner, as well as what Pinterest has to offer. 

Bon Appétit ~Marla

Simply Overwhelmed

I haven't been writing much lately as I have been too overwhelmed to sit and put my thoughts into coherent words. I realize there are many people who thrive on stress; I am not one of them. Too much stress has the opposite effect on me...I simply shut down. That has been the last few weeks of my life. All the hoopla of getting the house on the market and beginning a search for a new home has made it difficult for me to function. When it gets to be too much a nap seems the best solution to me. Bipolar and Anxiety Disorders tend to go hand in hand...and it is not a happy partnership.

So today I am just reaching out for a little help from my friends. If you have a moment to spare, please say a little prayer for me. I would really like to have this entire move behind me and perhaps begin to function a little better again.

~Marla