Multigenerational Living

I promised in my last post to give you a little more insight to the growing trend of multigenerational families. First let me say, this is not my first experience living in a multigenerational home.

When we moved into our current home in 2001 it was specifically in order to move my mother in with us. Her health was failing and we felt she needed additional care. We found this home to be ideal for two families living together. With 3 living areas, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a HUGE storage room, and a large game room that could really be whatever we needed it to be, the home could easily accommodate several people without feeling like we were constantly bumping into one another.

Our experience was one I will always cherish. I loved having my mom with me. My husband, always gracious, enjoyed it as well. Our children learned an important lesson about sacrificing for the ones we love and taking care of our elders. In fact my daughter often talks of the impact it had on her growing up, watching me take care of my mother. This is something she wants to instill in her own children…a love of family. I admit that I am honored my children want to be physically close to us as adults.

But what do the experts say about this? Surely it can’t be good for our relationships to all be under one roof! Well, actually, it can be. Studies show that 75% to 80% of families find they actually grow closer and have better relationships in a multi-generational household. Why? The following excerpt from Ladies Home Journal may provide some insight.

In a multigenerational household, seniors find respite from loneliness, kids learn history firsthand, and those sandwiched in between get reliable childcare, help with bills and chores -- and a little less squeezed by modern life. "They're realizing families are stronger together than apart," says Donna Butts, executive director of Generations United, a Washington, D.C.-based nonprofit that focuses on intergenerational cooperation.

So what are we doing to make this work for us? 

·        We sat down and discussed how things would work ahead of time. This included designation of living areas, private areas, chore delegation, parking, how bills would be divided, etc.

·        We wrote it all down! Yes, we have a “Roommate Agreement” a la Big Bang Theory! Actually it helps prevent misunderstandings and serves as a resource if something comes up at a later date.

·        We have designated private areas. We have private bedrooms and bathrooms for each “family.”

·        We have designated living areas for each “family.” This allows for personal decorating and even added privacy.

·        We respect each other’s privacy. We knock. As parents, my husband and I are more than happy to have our kids plunk down on a sofa and watch TV with us. But I always ask before doing the same with them. As a younger couple, without children, they are used to a little more privacy.

·        We have a designated cook…me! Luckily I love to cook and am happy to do it. I post a menu and try to stick to it. Of course my son-in-law likes to grill, so that will give me some nice breaks in warmer weather.

·        We communicate. I am working on this one…but generally things should be addressed immediately to avoid further problems.

The list above is not at all conclusive, but it does give a little insight to how we are handling our changing lifestyle. Keep an eye out and I will post updates occasionally on how we are doing.

~Marla

A Baby Changes Everything

I am having a lot of difficulty with today’s post. Not because it is a hard subject to address, or because it is personally painful. No, it is simply I don’t know where to begin. In less than 2 weeks my husband will be working in the Oklahoma City area. We originally thought that by now I would be preparing to move with him. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men…

When we first discovered that his job was to be transferred we had some big decisions to make. Would he accept the transfer offer? Or leave Boeing and try to find other employment in a Wichita economy that was not in an upswing. Would he commute on the weekends? Renting a studio apartment in OKC and driving the 2½ hours back to Derby each weekend. Or would we jump in with both feet, and leave a town we had both been raised in, and move? Leaving our married children, an elderly father, and a church we loved behind.

At first we both liked the commuting idea, but then I felt this was selfish on my part. My husband has 3½ years before early retirement is an option. That did not seem so bad, but the reality was that staying with Boeing until full retirement age made the most sense. Commuting for 13 to 15 years? Not a pretty picture. So moving it was…until December.

By December we were pretty discouraged. Only one offer had been made on our home, and it had been a joke. We felt we had chosen the wrong realtor, the wrong time to sell, and were trying desperately to understand God’s plan for us. My daughter admonished me at one point for my lack of faith, saying “The buyer isn’t ready yet.” At this point we began making plans for my husband to move without me. A prospect that worried me as I depended on him to help me with things my back wouldn’t allow me to accomplish on my own.

Well, as always, God is sovereign. On a December evening we received the joyful news that we were to become grandparents! My daughter was unexpectedly pregnant! While happy, they were concerned. They had hoped to be in a larger home before having children, in fact they often commented they wished they had a large enough down payment to buy our home. No one remembers who mentioned it first, but suddenly the idea was flying around the room. Move in here, sell your home, and save for the down payment needed. My husband would commute for the time being and I would remain here.

It is not a solution for everybody, and six weeks later there have been a few little bumps…mostly dealing with having 2 extra dogs in the household. But I believe it is the ideal solution for us. Everybody was on board, and in fact excited about the changes. We all feel prayers have been answered. My daughter and son-in-law will be able to provide me the help I need, while in return I get to help with a little one.

Think we are making a mistake? This will ruin our relationships? Wait for my next post…you might be surprised what the research shows. ~Marla

Thursday Travels: Grandeur of the Seas, Wrap Up

As I sign off on our Grandeur of the Seas cruise, there are two things I want to say. Firstly, cruising is something you should experience at least once in your life. You can find cruise deals for almost any budget, and a short cruise in particular can be very economical.

 Secondly, cruising with family and friends is really the most fun. My DH and I have cruised alone once, and our kids have all cruised alone as couples. The main thing we agree on is that it is just more fun with a group.

 The ships are massive and it is very easy to have alone time when it is desired. You can also split up for different excursions on port days.

 It is also nice to have more options for activities with others. For instance, my DH had no interest in swimming with the dolphins, but I was happy to have my DD and DSIL joining me in the experience. Shared experiences are always more enjoyable. So...get out there!


Bon Voyage ~Marla

Tasty Tuesday: Maxine's Homemade Noodles

Last week we started a new family tradition. We had a noodle making day! A few of the women in our family got together for a day of floured fun and made noodles from a recipe that was my mother's. Of course my mom never actually wrote down a recipe...she learned from her mother and her grandmother Mary Ann. I actually wrote the recipe down the last time I made noodles with my mom. 


Making noodles with Grandma was something that both my daughter and my niece got a chance to do when they were younger. The memories in the kitchen last week were wonderful. Mom has been gone for 7 years now, but it seemed she was there with us as we clumsily tried to mimic her skills. Enjoy the recipe and the pictures...we had a great time! (A big thanks to my niece who isn't in these pics, because she was busy taking them!)

Maxine's Homemade Noodles

3 cups flour

3 eggs

milk

salt

pepper

Flour a large working surface very generously...a counter or table, covered with tea towels or pastry cloths, works fine. 

In a large mixing bowl scoop in the flour and form a well.

In a small mixing bowl add 3 eggs, reserving an egg shell. Using half an egg shell, measure in a half shell of milk for each egg used.

Whisk together eggs and milk and salt and pepper as desired...I am fairly generous with the salt and pepper as it will be mixed into the flour. Pour this mixture into the flour well.

Using a fork begin stirring egg mixture allowing flour to be slowly pulled in from the sides of the well.

As the dough thickens into a ball, use your hands to work the flour in until the dough is fairly stiff. Don't worry about any leftover flour in the bowl...save it for later. Place on floured surface and roll with a well floured rolling pin.

Using rolling pins, roll dough until very thin. No points for presentation here! Just make sure it is very thin and very well floured. This is where that leftover flour comes in handy...sprinkle it on the dough as needed during rolling.

Roll well floured dough into a tube and let dry for at least 15 minutes.

 We took a lunch break while our dough dried. 

We made a lot of batches!

Time to cut the noodles! Cut them a little thinner than you want them...they will expand during cooking. You can cut them on a diagonal for shorter noodles, or straight for longer ones. 

As you cut them place in a bowl. Make sure you unwind the noodles and flour them well. All this flour is a great thickening agent when you are ready to cook them.

 We were saving ours for the holidays, so into plastic bags they went. They can be kept in the refrigerator for a few days or in the freezer for a few months. No need to thaw before cooking if frozen.

A 3 egg batch will serve 4-6 people. They can be cooked in broth, stock or water. Simply drop into boiling liquid slowly, stirring as you had the noodles. Cook until tender. Add leftover flour from bag to thicken. 

Bon appeit! ~Marla

Family Night

Last night was a Family Night at our house. Our two married children and their spouses joined us for dinner and a rousing game of Hand & Foot. The best part of the night? The fact that this is not something that I or my husband have to suggest, but that our kids will. I love the fact that they enjoy spending time with us and each other.

I wasn't always sure this would be the case. Growing up my daughter saw her little brother as the bane of her existence! Now the two couple actually seek out each others company...and occasionally they include us older folks. As a mother, I consider this a blessing beyond measure!

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. ~George Eliot

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future. ~Gail Lumet Buckley

~Marla

Family Ties

Family events of any kind tend to make me slightly melancholy. With funerals it is expected, but even weddings and reunions can effect me this way. They always leave me with a bittersweet feeling. I think this is mostly due to my placement in the extended family birth order. See, I am the youngest cousin on both my mother and father's side of the family. The age difference is as much as 23 years on my father's side and 21 years on my mothers. My closest first cousins are 4, 8 and 10 years older than I am. My own brothers are 13 and 15 years older.

Having several cousins old enough to be your parents makes you appreciate the times you do have together, but also speaks to the fact that you won't have as much time together. If I attain the ripe age of 85, it is unlikely many of my first cousins, or my brothers for that matter, will be there to celebrate with me.

This rather begs the question; How much do I really have in common with these people anyway? After all, some of us grew up in different generations! Amazingly enough, I find having a relationship with them very easy. That tie our parents and grandparents had is enough to put us on the same page. Shared stories and memories of our ancestors, this also helps us to bond in a way that is much deeper than my relationship with my first cousins child, who is only a few months older than me.

Family has always been extremely important to me, and this latest family event only serves to strengthen my resolve. Time is short and precious on this earth, and I don't want to waste any of it. I think I need to plan some short road trips and spend a little more time with these very important people!


~Marla

The Open Door

I grew up in a close family, and this closeness included our extended family as well. I saw my cousins fairly often, even though some were more than 20 years older than me. Usually these get-togethers were planned affairs, but occasionally someone would be passing through the Wichita area and just drop by. My parents were always pleased to see family, even when it was unexpected. I don't ever remember my mom being concerned about how the house looked, or complaining about not having time to clean up. They were just happy to spend time with loved ones.

This open door policy extended to their children as well. Even as a married adult I would show up unannounced and let myself into their home. My father had friends who would show up unannounced as well. Even though my dad has been gone 15 years now, I can still remember the look of pleasure on his face when someone would come to visit. It didn't matter if he was in the middle of dinner, he would drop whatever he was doing and greet his guests with vigor, happy to focus on them. At our own home our adult children and their spouse/spouse-to-be show up at our place unannounced all the time. They all have keys and are welcome here. It doesn't matter what is going on, or what condition the house is in, we are always happy to see them and spend time with them.

This caused me to stop and wonder about people who don't like unannounced guests. Why are some people happy when someone drops by and others mortified or upset. Honestly, I don't think it is the interruption in their schedule that is the issue. I think it is a matter of wanting everything to look perfect when a guest enters their home. Now, before anyone takes offense, let me say I don't think that is a bad thing, it is just a difference in people. This did get me thinking though. God has an open door policy. We can enter in at any time. He always welcomes us with open arms and is pleased to see us. But what about us? Why do some people hesitate to welcome Him in to their homes, their hearts. They know they need Him. All they have to do is accept His grace and let Him in, but still they wait. Maybe they feel their house is not perfect or clean enough. He is welcome, but only later, after they have cleaned up the mess of their lives. The problem is...they can't clean up the mess without help, His help. The truth is He doesn't care what your house looks like, or how filthy and run down it is. He comes with His sleeves rolled up, ready to help you clean up the mess. He will make you acceptable. All you have to do is open the door.

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. ~Luke11:10 NIV

Blessings ~Marla

Being There

This past few weeks I have been giving a lot of thought about what it means to be there for family. I am not talking about when a crisis or tragedy occurs, those are the easy times to be supportive and rally around the people involved. I am talking about being there for the celebrations, even if we don't feel like celebrating with them. (A quick disclaimer here...to my family who live out of state...this has nothing to do with the upcoming wedding...I totally understand financial and time difficulties.) 

Recently I became aware of a situation of a young woman marrying without the support of her parents. They did not approve of her choice in a mate, so they effectively boycotted the wedding. The man she married did not have a criminal record and didn't beat her, in fact they they had been together for over 5 years as a couple. While they may not have approved of him, their daughter was certainly old enough to make her own decision in this matter.

 My husband and I discussed this quite a lot and pretty much came to the conclusion that unless our child was marrying someone we suspected of physically harming them, that we would be there for them on their wedding day. We would be there to support them in their joy, and if we were proved right in our assessment of their choice in mate, we would be there to support them as they picked up the pieces of their broken relationship.

I have, unfortunately seen this in my own family. The parents were ultimately proved wrong in their assessment and came to care for their child's spouse. More amazing was the forgiveness the couple extended to the parents...but the damage was already done. The woman can't erase the memories of a walk down the aisle with someone other than her father, or a wedding dress never admired by her mother. 

Even more sad was the loss on the parents side. As a mother I wouldn't have traded the experience of being with my daughter on her wedding day for anything. And the pride my husband felt as he walked his baby girl down the aisle was immeasurable. These parents cheated themselves as well as their daughter out of these experiences...experiences that can never be recaptured. What a shame.

Sometimes we may be there physically to show support, but emotionally we are bitter, jealous or just plain unhappy, and this shows. Instead of loving kindness we exude bitterness, sarcasm, snarky comments and put-downs. I wish I could say I have never done this myself, but I have. Sometimes when you are going through a particularly difficult time, it is hard to share someone else's joy with them. Why should their life be full of happiness while your's seems full of misery? But if we give in to this it is something that both parties may remember for many years to come. We need to rise above our feelings and shower them joy...it will make us feel better too!

So the next time you have a chance to celebrate with loved ones, grab the opportunity for all it is worth! Those are the memories we need to make as a family...something happy to hold onto when the next tragedy occurs in our lives.


~Marla