Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Life in the Bipolar Lanes: Early Childhood Memories

My Family

Early childhood memories. The wispy bits and pieces of our 2, 3, or 4 year old selves that continue to live on inside us. We all have them to one extent or another. For some they are easily recalled, others find them elusive or nonexistent. Often they are attached to events of significance. Events that were significant to the child we once were, not necessarily significant to those around us. These memories mold us in incredible ways, at times shaping us into the person we will become…or at least the person we perceive ourselves to be.

I learned something important in therapy as an adult. The past can indeed hold the key to the present. My childhood memories were skeletons that needed to come out of the closet and be addressed before healing and change could ever occur. As I write about my journey I will need to talk about my family. I want to do this honestly. If you are a family member you may recognize yourself in my memories. Please understand these are memories through a child’s eyes, not an adult’s. Additionally, some of my extended family may learn some unpleasant facts about someone they looked up to and loved. Just because this woman was unlovely to me does not mean she was a bad person, but understanding her role in how I perceived myself was a key part of learning to cope with those feelings and overcome them. Writing this will take time. It is difficult for me to write about without bringing up old feelings. Something I do not want to do on a daily basis. Please be patient with me.

There are many, many, children who have had childhoods more difficult and unhappy than my own. Not all these people end up with a mental illness. I do not believe my childhood led me to become bipolar. What I do believe, is that it exacerbated certain symptoms and made coping more difficult.  Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and that very definitely had its roots in my early childhood. Guilt and feelings of worthlessness were early companions as well. These were set in place as early as four years old, and not addressed until many years thereafter. By that time the negative reel in my head had been looping over and over for a very long time.

You are too shy, you are mean, you are a liar, you are lazy, you are stupid, everything is your fault, you only think of yourself, you are afraid of everything, you are unlovable, you are selfish, you just want attention, you are ugly, you have no self control, why can’t you be like “them.”  You are a bad person.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Tasty Tuesday: Pinterest Cooking

Do you Pin? If not you are missing out on one of the most addictive internet activities available. I love Pinterest, it totally satisfies my urge to rip out magazine pages and save them. What? You've never done that? I confess, if I am scanning a magazine and come across an idea or recipe that I want to, out it comes. Pinterest is much the same, but with no mess. Instead everything is neatly organized into categories of your own choosing. Heaven!

But I digress. This post is specifically about some of the great recipes I have tried from my Pinterest collection. Enjoy! And to get you in the mood, here is a great remix in honor of the great Julia Childs 100th birthday.

OK, while not technically a recipe, this is by far the most amazing thing I have discovered through Pinterest. I will never boil an egg again! I now bake my hard cooked eggs! So much easier! 325 degrees for 25-30 minutes...and they peel easier as well.

Need a great recipe for Chicken Enchiladas? This one is definitely a winner!

I found a great Beef Stroganoff recipe...the beef is super tender.

One of the cooler recipes I have discovered is for Artisan style bread, baked in a dutch oven. I am not normally a bread maker...but this is super easy, and came out perfect on my very first try!

Hopefully this gives you a few ideas for dinner, as well as what Pinterest has to offer. 

Bon App├ętit ~Marla

Monday, August 13, 2012

Simply Overwhelmed

I haven't been writing much lately as I have been too overwhelmed to sit and put my thoughts into coherent words. I realize there are many people who thrive on stress; I am not one of them. Too much stress has the opposite effect on me...I simply shut down. That has been the last few weeks of my life. All the hoopla of getting the house on the market and beginning a search for a new home has made it difficult for me to function. When it gets to be too much a nap seems the best solution to me. Bipolar and Anxiety Disorders tend to go hand in hand...and it is not a happy partnership.

So today I am just reaching out for a little help from my friends. If you have a moment to spare, please say a little prayer for me. I would really like to have this entire move behind me and perhaps begin to function a little better again.