Praising Him in the Hallway

When do you struggle most? What circumstances cause you the most stress? When is your faith, be it in God or fellow man, tested the most? Ask five people this question and you are likely to get five very different answers. For some it is during times of illness or loss. For some it is during financial difficulty. For some, oddly enough, it is when life is on a high, when suddenly they feel no need to rely on God or others. For me, it is in the hallway. 

The hallway. One door has closed, another yet to be opened, and so I wait. The hallway has no windows. It is easy to lose ones sense of direction in the hallway. With no sunlight, day and night can seem to blur and become one on the hallway. When the doors remain closed it is easy to imagine the hallway has no end. 

Yet at some point a door will open. I will walk through and be able to look back and see the hallway for what it really was. A passage of the perfect length to lead me to my next destination. Until then...I will praise Him in the Hallway.

In Him ~Marla

Life in the Bipolar Lanes: Early Childhood Memories

My Family

Early childhood memories. The wispy bits and pieces of our 2, 3, or 4 year old selves that continue to live on inside us. We all have them to one extent or another. For some they are easily recalled, others find them elusive or nonexistent. Often they are attached to events of significance. Events that were significant to the child we once were, not necessarily significant to those around us. These memories mold us in incredible ways, at times shaping us into the person we will become…or at least the person we perceive ourselves to be.

I learned something important in therapy as an adult. The past can indeed hold the key to the present. My childhood memories were skeletons that needed to come out of the closet and be addressed before healing and change could ever occur. As I write about my journey I will need to talk about my family. I want to do this honestly. If you are a family member you may recognize yourself in my memories. Please understand these are memories through a child’s eyes, not an adult’s. Additionally, some of my extended family may learn some unpleasant facts about someone they looked up to and loved. Just because this woman was unlovely to me does not mean she was a bad person, but understanding her role in how I perceived myself was a key part of learning to cope with those feelings and overcome them. Writing this will take time. It is difficult for me to write about without bringing up old feelings. Something I do not want to do on a daily basis. Please be patient with me.

There are many, many, children who have had childhoods more difficult and unhappy than my own. Not all these people end up with a mental illness. I do not believe my childhood led me to become bipolar. What I do believe, is that it exacerbated certain symptoms and made coping more difficult.  Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and that very definitely had its roots in my early childhood. Guilt and feelings of worthlessness were early companions as well. These were set in place as early as four years old, and not addressed until many years thereafter. By that time the negative reel in my head had been looping over and over for a very long time.

You are too shy, you are mean, you are a liar, you are lazy, you are stupid, everything is your fault, you only think of yourself, you are afraid of everything, you are unlovable, you are selfish, you just want attention, you are ugly, you have no self control, why can’t you be like “them.”  You are a bad person.

~Marla

Tasty Tuesday: Pinterest Cooking

Do you Pin? If not you are missing out on one of the most addictive internet activities available. I love Pinterest, it totally satisfies my urge to rip out magazine pages and save them. What? You've never done that? I confess, if I am scanning a magazine and come across an idea or recipe that I want to try...rip, out it comes. Pinterest is much the same, but with no mess. Instead everything is neatly organized into categories of your own choosing. Heaven!

But I digress. This post is specifically about some of the great recipes I have tried from my Pinterest collection. Enjoy! And to get you in the mood, here is a great remix in honor of the great Julia Childs 100th birthday.http://youtu.be/80ZrUI7RNfI

OK, while not technically a recipe, this is by far the most amazing thing I have discovered through Pinterest. I will never boil an egg again! I now bake my hard cooked eggs! So much easier! 325 degrees for 25-30 minutes...and they peel easier as well.http://pinterest.com/pin/283797213988836056/

Need a great recipe for Chicken Enchiladas? This one is definitely a winner! 
http://joyful-mommas-kitchen.blogspot.com/2011/09/white-chicken-enchiladas.html

I found a great Beef Stroganoff recipe...the beef is super tender.
http://secretingredientislove.blogspot.com/2012/02/beef-stroganoff.html

One of the cooler recipes I have discovered is for Artisan style bread, baked in a dutch oven. I am not normally a bread maker...but this is super easy, and came out perfect on my very first try!
http://simplysogood.blogspot.com/2010/03/crusty-bread.html


Hopefully this gives you a few ideas for dinner, as well as what Pinterest has to offer. 

Bon Appétit ~Marla

Simply Overwhelmed

I haven't been writing much lately as I have been too overwhelmed to sit and put my thoughts into coherent words. I realize there are many people who thrive on stress; I am not one of them. Too much stress has the opposite effect on me...I simply shut down. That has been the last few weeks of my life. All the hoopla of getting the house on the market and beginning a search for a new home has made it difficult for me to function. When it gets to be too much a nap seems the best solution to me. Bipolar and Anxiety Disorders tend to go hand in hand...and it is not a happy partnership.

So today I am just reaching out for a little help from my friends. If you have a moment to spare, please say a little prayer for me. I would really like to have this entire move behind me and perhaps begin to function a little better again.

~Marla

Life in the Bipolar Lanes: Part 1

It is hard to talk about your mental health issues in a public forum. Want to know about my back issues? No problem, I can comfortably talk about that. Want to know how I am coping with Diabetes? I'd be glad to share with you. Want to talk about what it is like to live with a mental illness. No way, much too uncomfortable. But that is in fact what I feel called to do. I am going to step out on faith here and share my story. I will try to share as much detail as possible, beginning today with an overview. 

Though our society is far more accepting of mental illness than it was 50 years ago, it still carries a stigma. Everything from crazy to lazy gets thrown in there. I write this to be an advocate for others who struggle with mental illness. I want people to understand the profound struggle that it can be to appear "normal" when "normal" is the last thing you feel. Additionally my hope is that others will not wait as long as I did to seek help.

My first inklings of problems came as a child. By the time I was 10 years old I was seeing a child psychologist. At that young age I already had profound feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and self hate. I don't have any idea if my 5th grade classmates knew where I went when I was dismissed from class for my appointment every week. But in my mind I was sure they did. I did not know of anyone else, adult or child, who saw a psychologist. Instead of helping, I felt even more an outsider looking in at all the "normal" kids. 

By my early twenties I had changed my primary doctor and hid my mental illness with lies. Though by this time the Bipolar symptoms were full blown, I had learned to live a lie pretty well. Probably only family were aware of my issues, and much of it was put down to simply having a temper. What they saw as anger or being energetic or talkative was actually a manic state being played out. And when the depression hit? I was simply moping or being "sensitive." If any of them suspected mental illness they kept it to themselves.

By my thirties I realized I had to get some help. My illness was affecting my parenting in a big way, and my rages were scaring even myself. My doctor was more than happy to prescribe Zoloft for PMS symptoms. Once again the lie to save face...after all PMS was all the rage, and my issues were worse at that time of the month. For some reason I had this incredible need to look as if I had my act together. Though how many saw through the charade I don't know.

I was in my forties when it all came crashing down around me. I no longer had children or parents to care for. Nothing to stay strong for. Finally the bottom dropped out. The visit to the ER was not pleasant, but for the first time in my life I told someone everything. No lies, no excuses. I was broken.


~Marla

WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY?!

Yes, my title is in caps on purpose. I felt shouting the question was a way to get my point across. We are an angry people. You need only watch today's news to see this. Invariably the people who commit such heinous acts are angry. They may not be overtly angry, but the anger is there, sometimes quietly simmering away. Anger in itself is not a bad thing, in fact in some cases it is entirely appropriate. However, more and more it seems that people are angry all the time. 

Case in point...angry Facebook posts. More and more I see posts by people wishing for "karma" to befall their enemies. I wonder about this. They obviously do not worry about their own "karma", yet by wishing ill upon someone else, perhaps they should. Then there are the thinly veiled threats posted in joking way. We wonder why our children bully or experience bullying? Because many adults are still acting out that same behavior, albeit in a less confrontational way. 

We call people names who don't believe as we do, who don't vote as we do, who don't live where we do. We call people intolerant without realizing that the moment that word comes out of our mouth, we become intolerant as well. We judge people instead of showing compassion and understanding. Leave the judging to God, and pray for mercy for those you believe condemned, so you may be spared as well. 

I come from a family with wide ranging beliefs and lifestyles. I have friends very different from myself. I do not agree with their opinions all the time. What I do try to do is love them regardless of our differences and show them respect.

If you have Facebook or other social media site that you post on, I have a challenge for you. Look at your posts for the last week. What percentage of your posts are positive or uplifting? What percentage are negative and meant to tear others down? I am doing this myself. Just a little something to think about.


~Marla

Thursday Travels: Grandeur of the Seas, Wrap Up

As I sign off on our Grandeur of the Seas cruise, there are two things I want to say. Firstly, cruising is something you should experience at least once in your life. You can find cruise deals for almost any budget, and a short cruise in particular can be very economical.

 Secondly, cruising with family and friends is really the most fun. My DH and I have cruised alone once, and our kids have all cruised alone as couples. The main thing we agree on is that it is just more fun with a group.

 The ships are massive and it is very easy to have alone time when it is desired. You can also split up for different excursions on port days.

 It is also nice to have more options for activities with others. For instance, my DH had no interest in swimming with the dolphins, but I was happy to have my DD and DSIL joining me in the experience. Shared experiences are always more enjoyable. So...get out there!


Bon Voyage ~Marla