Thursday, May 5, 2011

Living in Denial

I have spent the better part of my adult life living in varied states of denial. I figure as a parent you basically have two choices: Denial or constant worry. I decided before my first child was born that denial was the best choice for me. This isn't the naive denial of a teenager who takes serious risks because they believe the are invincible. This is purposeful denial, because to do otherwise is too terrifying. When I was pregnant I did not spend time worry about the health of my unborn child. When my children were young I did not worry about every sniffle or whether they would develop childhood leukemia. It was not that I really thought these things could not happen to my child. After all when I was 20 my 8 year old nephew was taken by an unexpected illness practically overnight. It was more of a conscious decision to not waste time dwelling on possibilities I had absolutely no control over. I did, however, pray. I prayed like crazy! But then I turned it over to God and continued on in my cozy state of denial. When my son was playing high school football and getting tackled every other play. When my daughter went off to college and was on her own for the first time. When my son started competing in track in college as a decathlete, and was pole vaulting over 16 feet in the air. When my daughter bought her house and was really on her own. Through all of this denial has kept me sane and my blood pressure low.
Tomorrow marks a new state of denial for me. My son is graduating from the Kansas Law Enforcement Training Center. As he begins his new career as a police officer I will pray for him daily, for his safety, for his decisions, for his colleagues. And I will slip comfortably back into my state of denial, trusting in the Lord for all things, and hopefully avoiding worry lines. I am proud of you son.

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